Free Range Brain

  In keeping with my desire to write more, sometimes you'll get a nonsensical post... Like now! A variation of a few things that don't constitute a full page but in my mind, deserve some brain activity.

(Meant as humor so Tree Huggers, Green Peacers & anyone named Sunflower just relax & enjoy the Peyote)

1) In a public restroom the other day during a pit stop for work, I do my business, wash (or warch if you're from Ohio) my hands, then go to the automatic hand dryer to complete the process. As I am drying my hands, I'm reading the top of the dryer and I see (in summary)

• Name: Clean Planet
• Fine Print: Helping to keep our environment fresh, clean & abundantly strong by saving the deforestation of trees to make paper towels.
• My Mental Reaction: Cool, saving trees is good.... But this thing is electric, by which fossil fuels are used to create the electricity needed to run this apparatus that allows me to dry my hands sans a towel ergo not keeping our environment "abundantly strong"

  I know, I know, you're thinking "Cool it with the rhetoric Dan, you're just taking a leak" But Hey! These are the things that keep me from going all Michael Douglas on Michael Moore. They may seem trite to you, but to me all information, however menial, is interesting. But the whole towel thing leads me right in to question two...

2) Do you ever wonder how and even why things get invented? I don't mean big things like homes, cars or illumination. That stuff was cutting edge. I'm talking about things like a violin. Not to say a violin isn't cutting edge but illumination is damn near a necessity. Someone sat down and said "Damn it's dark. If only I could see, I would be able to continue beheading these infidels & have them done by morning" Then they went ahead, killed a whale, drained it's oil, soaked a rag in it, lit it *poof* we have illumination!

  But a violin took some out there thinking. Someone, at some point had some wood, some sheep intestines and a stick. They were probably bored, drunk or both so they tied them all together and ran the stick across it and thought "Damn, that sounded pretty sweet" and hence a musical instrument was born. But unlike the illumination process above, I can't imagine that someone gutted a sheep just to see if their intestines would sound good playing Mozart. (I know the timeline is off, it's a joke) The whale oil test was no doubt a measure of scientific investigation, but I just can't see cat gut in the same light.

Hey Light! I unwittingly tied the two together!

  Anyway, now that you've all moved a few steps away from the computer, I'll rap it up by saying these are the types of things I think about when my mind is left to its own accord and I have nothing to write about. Please forward all cease and desist &/or restraining orders to my FB account and I'll see you next time for another episode of "Holy Hell Dan's Gone Nuts"

The Date From.....

I've been thinking about this one for a while....

  Couple Saturday's ago I went on a date. Not just any date; a first date. The date where you're not sure how it's going to go. Are you going to be a total tool and louse tings up? Are things going to go so great that the night just magically flies by with the calm smoothness of a Stanley Jordan guitar solo? Is it going to be a raging disaster? DING We have a winner!

  Let me give some back ground. This date was in essence a "hook up" date. What do I mean? Someone we both knew put us in touch thinking we'd be a good fit. It wasn't a blind date per se; we had previously met at a social gathering, however briefly, but there was no over extended conversation other than "nice to meet you" and the ever present Dan salutation "take care" as I was leaving.

  As the third party decided to "hook us up" by giving out our respective numbers to one another, we did have a few extended text and phone conversations that were the ordinary get to know you Q&A sessions that new folks generally have in said situations. All in all they were pleasant experiences, but with my usual omnipresent skepticism well entrenched as usual.

  Now some of you are thinking "Dan? If you have skepticism going in, how are you ever going to find someone?" Well, my skepticism has rarely let me down and as you read on, you'll see why...

  During our conversations we covered a bevy of personal choices, opinions and topics in the prototypical manner humans do to get to know each other. We covered sports, hobbies, movies, political correctness, right on down to families. I explicitly stated that I am very liberal with most forms of verbiage. I do not get offended by the use of most lingo, whether I use them or not, because I understand that most people do not mean said words to be meant as harmful. But there are certain words, phrases or jokes I do not use, do not like to be used around or to me and will confront someone if they are used. I made it a point to give the example of the word Retarded. I informed the date, that I have people in my life, both family and friends that are special needs individuals and I do not under any circumstance, think the use of that word (however entrenched in the lexicon it has become) is in any way cute, funny or acceptable. She agreed totally with me on the phone. (Store this scenario for later)

  Another thing that was pointed out clearly to her was, I can not, under any circumstances text or talk during work hours yet daily she'd text me, countless times while at work and then followed them up with the standard (and people who know me, know how much I so love being pestered) "You mad?" "You Busy?" "Why aren't you replying to me?" Another point of contention with me to feel skeptical. But I'm willing to over look it as maybe just a case of, me being picky.

  As you can see, I wasn't getting the "vibe" from this woman, I wasn't really feeling a connection and in my mind I wasn't thinking it would become of anything, but (yes there's the but) she kept bringing up going on a date to me so finally I agreed. I figured, maybe I'm just being cynical? We set up a date. Simple enough. If it doesn't go well, that will be the end of it, right?

  The date started off on the wrong foot. The place I picked was hidden in a giant strip mall that neither of us could find. We talked on the phone while searching and end up being almost next to one another in the lot looking for the place. Next, we get out of our respective cars, exchange pleasantries and I call the place to get more concrete directions. Ends up the place is right there; sort of hidden behind a row of trees that most people would have missed. Being the polite gentleman I am, I offered to drive her over to the place. She agrees, gets in my car and the first words out of her mouth is about how filthy my vehicle is! Um yeah, there is maybe a dozen or so dust particles on my dash that just about every car has in it; other than those, it's spotless. Offended but jokingly passing it off, I say I left my sham-wow at home to which she says this in reply: I told you people call me "the bitch" at work...

  Alright. This date is off to a flying start!

  Trudging on. We have a decent meal, talk & watch some of the football game. After the dinner, I asked what she would like to do? I'm big on mutual agreement. I don't want someone to have to do something they wont like. She says she doesn't care. Okay, I prepared for that, I had a few things in mind. There was a movie theatre right there; we could take in a movie. There was a mall we could walk through, talk & people watch. There was even a little bar where we could go to & have a drink, listen to some music and continue our evening. All suggestions I put forth was greeted with the same reply: "Meh"

  Alright, as we walk to the car my mind is thinking "what in the hell does she want to do?" when she suddenly steps off the sidewalk and on to the parking pavement and states the following "I really need to be looking up at you" I said: Excuse me? Because, honestly I didn't understand. She said "You told me you were six foot tall." Yes? I am, give or take a quarter inch. Then she says: "You must be shrinking in your old age, because I'm 5'11" & I'm taller than you" REALLY? Okay.... That was enough to set me off but I didn't. Then she steps back up on to the sidewalk and wants to stand side to side with me to see who's taller? What are we, 13? (for the record I was a bit taller)

  At this point I decide the date is over. Being bitchy about the "dirty car" is one thing. Mehing all of the ideas I had suggested for things to do is another; but acting like we are pre-teens having a pissing contest over who's taller? Yeah, this is why I have my skeptical brain! I drive her back to her car; sit in mine for a while talking. She makes the comment "We just going to sit here in the car or are we going to do something?" I reply (now pissed, but stoic) You didn't seemed too interested in what I chose to do; if you have an idea, I'd love to hear it. *crickets*

  The date ends there. Being the gentleman I am, I walked her to her car, gave her a hug and told her to be careful on the way home. I get "I bet you'll be home before me" I said: Excuse me? She replies "I bet we're closer to your house than mine, so you'll be home first." I answer: No, actually I picked this place because it is the exact mid-point between our houses. She says "Yours is highway, mine will be stop & go"...

  You'd think that's the end right? Oh No! I get a text as I'm driving home: You home yet? I reply: No. She then says "text me when you get there" *eye roll* Okay, will do! 20 minutes later, I text: "I'm home?" She replies: I bet you've been home for a while. I just pulled in my driveway. REALLY? I didn't reply. The next day she tests me a forwarded group text joke about it being National Retard Day (remember I said earlier to store that scenario I wrote about) That so offended me that I (Dan, the guy who is never a loss for words) didn't even know how to reply to it. That text offended two of my friends that don't even have special needs people in thier lives!

  Later that day, I sent a text telling her how I thought that joke she sent me was in very bad taste and how it totally offended me. Do you know what I got in reply? "How was your day sweetie?" WTF? I replied by saying "Thanks for going on the date but I don't think we are a good fit" To that I got: You going to bed? I thought we might talk on the phone? I texted back: I don't think we can talk anymore. We just aren't the same type of people. good luck to you....

  I didn't hear anything more from her until the other night at 1:05am as I was driving home from work and she calls me. I answered: Hello? "Hey Baby!" Ugh! I reiterated to her all of the issues I had from the date & how offensive the text was & repeated that I didn't think her and I talking anymore would work. She said: "Well I told you I was a bitch. Okay?" I then said "Thanks for the date, you take care" & hung up the phone.

  So in the end, my skeptical brain prevails again. And although it has failed me in the past, more times than not, it is dead on. Chalk up another life lesson and another wasted $60 on a pointless date. Ya know, Alanis Morrissette is right, you really do live and learn!

Everybody Hurts..... Sometimes

When your day is long
And the night, the night is yours alone
When you're sure you've had enough
Of this life, well hang on

*  Gremlin Nads - Everybody Hurts *

Indeed.... There are times I never reveal myself to anyone and then there are times that I have a few people to turn to to rant upon; then there are times I hear a song and it reminds me to buck up

Don't let yourself go
'Cause everybody cries
And everybody hurts sometimes

Most people know that I currently have a job as a test driver for one of the big three auto companies and due to a severe case of over hiring of late I, and many others, have not been getting scheduled to work much and the loss of hours & income has become quite a strain on me mentally.

Sometimes everything is wrong
Now it's time to sing along
When your day is night alone (Hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go (Hold on)
If you think you've had too much
Of this life, well hang on

And through all of this down time, I have been frantically searching for a new job, of any type. I literally have posted & dropped off close to thirty resumes and applications a week to places as far and wide as factory work to convenience stores & everything in between. To date, I have not received an interview request from any of them.

Everybody hurts
Take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts
Don't throw your hand, oh no

In the meantime, others that are close to me, also frantically and casually have been looking for work as well but in their case, they turn in one inquiry and almost immediately get a response. And this has caused me to become a little disillusioned with myself and the whole thing.

Don't throw your hand
If you feel like you're alone
No, no, no, you are not alone

 Not to the point of doing anything to harm myself or even to call myself depressed, but it has caused me to reconsider my confidence in myself. All my supporters I have confided in have done a wonderful job reassuring me that something will come up and everything happens for a reason, but again, that doubt lingers in my mind.

If you're on your own in this life
The days and nights are long
When you think you've had too much of this life to hang on

 My entire life, belief and self-confidence in myself has always been my strong suit. Not fearing failure and willing to take a risk to succeed was second nature. But this lapse in confirmation of late has left me in doubt of my abilities and shook me.

Well, everybody hurts sometimes
Everybody cries
Everybody hurts sometimes
And everybody hurts sometimes

  The support has helped but then today I hear the song scattered through this post and think back to my friend Courtney; How she asked me to record this for her when she was down and how it really meant a lot to her that I recorded it for her. Yes, it's written and originally performed by REM but I listened to my version today as I was having all of this second guessing and like her, it reaffirmed in me that I will have down times and I need to be strong and...

So hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on
Everybody hurts

A Question, A Plea and A Look at Yourself

Ya know, there's only so much a person can take before alienating those who bring it on themselves. Good opening line huh? Got your attention I bet.

Let's call this post an open letter to those who think the world owes them one. It may make you angry, but stick around to the end and maybe you'll see my point. Follow with my analogy and perhaps you'll see similarities in yourself or someone you know. If any of this strikes you with shades of familiarity then I hope it will give you a prospective as to how you look and how those close to you are affected by your actions.

Life isn't fair. Matter of fact, it can be down right nasty. And in life, there are times that we all feel like we are getting the shaft. It happens. I know, you know, we all know that. And it is perfectly fine to feel anger, depressed and down right nasty when it happens to you but (and there is always a but) there comes a point where you must (and I can't stress this enough) MUST step back and think "maybe the problem isn't that the world is against me, maybe I need to change how I do things"

Example: Living paycheck to paycheck is not a venture solely reserved for you. Many, dare I say most people these days have to live that way. Complaining that others have this toy and that car may make you feel temporarily better about your situation but it only masks your disillusion with your own life. To be honest, most people that have all of that are probably so steeped in debt, that they'll never get out of it.

To feel you have to over extend your own lively hood just to fit in with the Joneses because that is how the world works, or how you feel you need to act to fit in is just plain wrong. Visiting check advance places to get money should only be a last stitch effort to pay a bill or get gas to get to work; it should never be to have money to go out on the town or to have extra spending cash.

Sidebar: When you do go out on the town and really can not afford to; throwing money around vis-a-vis buying drinks & shots to every girl that looks at you or buying your buddies beer & shots is not something you should ever do. You inevitably always regret it the next day when all the money you planned on existing on until the next payday is gone.

Back to our scenario. Visiting a payday loan place is great, temporarily. You have money in the now, but come payday, your pay is lightened considerably because now, that money you borrowed has to be paid back in kind; unless you, of course pay it off, then immediately borrow it again (to have extra cash) and start the vicious cycle all over again.

This brings us to the emotional state and the affect on those around you. You mope around, pissy & depressed because you have no money. Again, many, if not all of us have been in your boots and totally understand where you are coming from but (yes, that word again) if you do not share, open up and discuss your issues with those around you (who may just be willing to help) yet instead treat them with contempt, distance & frankly downright lewdness, then you should never say "the world just shits on me"

Most people have a support staff & trust me, I totally understand how pride gets bruised in admitting you need help or are defeated. Still, that support is there, often willing to help you along the way, but first you must open up to them, you must listen to them and most importantly, you must be willing to alter how you do things because obviously, your way is not working.

Also, you can not take out the angst of your situation on those who are (and have) been there for you, yet treat others that haven't or are not, like all is right with the world. That brings on alienation to your support staff and can (and will) ultimately damage it.

I say all of this because I know; I've been there and I've been that person; many of us have. Hoping to win the lottery is not going to happen and cure all of your financial ills. Getting payday advances to have spending cash to go out on the town is never going end your money woes. Moping around and treating your support staff with disdain when they are there to assist you will never cure your situation, unless you enjoy sitting around with an emotional grey cloud over your head.

And finally thinking the world owes you one because of a self created situation will only lead to anger, discontentment and ultimately leave you alone. Talk to those around you, be honest with them and yourself. Accept their help and listen to their advice. Most importantly, be willing to admit your faults, vow to do something to fix and not just patch it because in the end, it's not the world against you; It's you that is.

Coffee Addicted Spirit?

Since the New Year began, there have been odd goings on here in the homestead. Not odd like Tim Conway digging a hole in the floor to film a "Dorf on..." video but odd none-the-less. I'm not really concerned about what is happening as I am puzzled by the items that are involved; it's mysterious and quiet frankly, weird.

Last week I came home to things strewn all over the house. That, in and of itself is not odd, but I asked the roommate if he set the chex mix bowl my sister had given me by my bedroom door? He claims that he did not. So somehow it went from the kitchen counter, around a corner & down the hallway to my door. All in all about 20 feet.

The next day, he asks me if I went in to his room and grabbed a bottle of pills he had? I assured him, I hadn't. Going in his room is something I do not do. It's like going in Quagmire's house on Family Guy; you never know what you're going to find in there. It also has an odd smell, like I imagine it would smell inside a tauntaun. "And I thought they smelled bad.... *Shanteresque Pause* on the outside" Again, strange, but just chalked it up as an odd happenstance.

The very next morning, I get up, begin to prepare the coffee maker and somehow, the coffee filters are missing? I look all over in case somehow they got moved without my knowledge. I looked everywhere and could not find them. Still, I just assume they were moved & I just couldn't find them, so I go about my day. When I get get home, I enter the house through the back door, which enters to the laundry room, then in to the kitchen and I notice the coffee filters at the end of the counter next to the toaster oven, some 6 feet and over the sink from where they usually are right next to the coffee pot. I ask the roommate again; he insists he has not touched them. Hmm?

Enter this morning. I get up, start coffee maker, brush teeth, shower, get dressed, etc. Go out to the kitchen to grab the first cup of the morning. Pour it in my cup, add a pack of equal, go to grab the non-dairy creamer..... No creamer! There was a full one there. I had just opened it a few days previous so I knew it wasn't gone and I'm the only one who uses it so it is always sitting next to the coffee maker.
As previously, I look everywhere for the creamer to no avail. I looked in places that creamer would never be, like the freezer, the bathroom, the watch pocket of a suit I haven't wore in 20 years and it was (and still is) gone!

People know I'm in the paranormal field and have experienced some crazy things throughout my research but never have I experienced anything like this before. If there is a spirit involved, it is most definitely an evil entity because you do not, DO NOT mess with my morning coffee routine! I'll proton pack its ass back to the nether regions to get my morning coffee.

Logically you'd think my roommate is pulling a trick on me but 1) It isn't his style 2) something of his has come up missing and 3) things are not just disappearing, they moving and he doesn't have enough "straight man" in him to keep a straight face about it if he did. So I guess if it continues to happen, I'll have to set all the equipment up, kick the roommate out for a night and do a full on investigation.

Stay Tuned!

Too Soon!

In the wake of the Iowa thingy majigger we have officially kicked off the 2012 Presidential race and good god am I sick of it already! Who do I blame for this headache? Al Gore? Minnie Pearl? Dame Judith Anderson? No. I blame you, news outlets! All of you, Fox, ABC, NBS, CBS, NPR... Everyone of them. Of course I also blame social media,  Hollywood, and for some reason Crest Cavity Creeps for this.

Remember the good ole days when a candidate would stand on a stump, give his stance and if you weren't there then you didn't have to hear it? Yeah, I miss those old days. One, sometimes two speeches, then you had a decision to make. Now you get months of conjecture, blabbing, bald-faced lies (well we had them before) in-fighting, counter points, debates, news specials, countdowns, reiterations, accusations, people from the past holding a deep dark secret, and for some reason someone dug up Harry Reasoner.

We need politics. I hate to say that but, we do. If we didn't have it, then the same four people would just get elected over and over agai..... Umm, moving on; without politics we wouldn't have the choices we do.

The problem is that the election process has gone from a civil debate on the issues to an all out episode of Springer that lasts for 18 months and in the end you, as the voter are sitting there waiting for Maury to open the manila envelope and tell us if we are or are not the father vis a vis making the right choice.

All I'm asking for is a more orderly process. I've given up on believing promises that will inevitably be broken by both sides. The system is not only broke but it seems to be skipping the same utter drek over and over and over and... well you get the point.

My fix is simple: Come October, figure out the two (ish) people running. We don't need it to heat up as early as August primaries; most people know who they're voting for by then anyway. So shorten it to a month before the election, have your debates, your commercials and your tours; then the first Tuesday in November, let us all vote. Win or lose, we get what we voted for.

And for the love of the maker, leave the maker out of your speeches. He/she/it doesn't give a damn about who wins or loses. Plus, he/she/it is too busy trying to figure out how to forward a text pic of some drunk guy Tebowing on a cloud in front of Jesus' place to Gabriel to care.

Gibberish

In keeping with my desire to write more in 2012, today's post is all about...... Yeah, I got nothin! But, I was prepared for days like these. People that know me, know I am an information junkie. I always seem to crave learning facts, tidbits & knowledge about the inane things. Example: I can be watching TV, I dunno, lets say Airwolf? While watching, I'll think... man that Jan-Michael Vincent guy sure looks like he just bit in to whole lemon. I wonder if he's had plastic surgery? So I'll look it up.

Why do I need to know such information? Who am I? The useless knowledge Alex Trebek? It's a wonder to me that I crave such information. Recently someone asked me if I sleep with a TV or radio on? I told them I have too because my brain is so active that I need something to distract it so I can sleep. Doesn't always work. Usually I have to be so exhausted that the rest of my body is like Patton & my brain is like the soldier he slapped by saying "go to sleep damn it, and take hill 19 while you're at it" in order to fall to sleep.

But there I go getting all sidetracked. What was this post about? Oh. Yeah. Nothing! Bottom line, I crave information. I need it. It's like food for my brain; but it can't be just any information, it has to be something of interest to me. Like whether or not Jan-Michael Vincent has had plastic surgery! Gorilla Monsoon used to call Bobby Heenan a "fountain of misinformation" and I may just be a fountain of useless knowledge. I'm the Bobby Fischer (chess legend, born in 1943) of useless knowledge. Well maybe not that good... maybe more of the David Soul (also born in 43) of useless knowledge, sans the skin tight corduroys that is.

In the end, it's who I am. A master of nothing yet a king of the obscure, sort of. I enjoy it, I enjoy being that person that people turn to when they think "Dan would know this" and after all, isn't that all life (a magazine that was originally a humor magazine from 1883 to 1936) is all about?